We can agree that I love chocolate, but I absolutely adore my family more than words. So, when you read the following poem, imagine how twisted a chocolate loving addict can be during a moment of “stream of consciousness” writing that simply must happen. Once it’s out there, there is no going back. I don’t own it anymore.
I actually wrote the poem years after the actual event occurred. I just couldn’t get the vision of my mother catching us playing on the bed again, nor the real fear that I felt of getting caught out of my mind I guess. So, it made it’s way to pen and pad.
NIGHTMARE REPRIMAND
The light on my mama’s face
bounced with the springs
under our feet.
And I forget what my sister told me to say
if we got caught again.
When the light and her face were even
I could see that mama looked pleased,
justified to punish when the slats broke
the sound.
And the bullet flew through my hand’s
vain effort to shield.
Ripping flesh
Intruding bone
Sister’s scream
My spine collapsing to encompass the pain.
Fallen child huddles in blood
as the parent sniper stands
waiting for an apology.
OK, forgive me for the lame heading, but I actually do love geology. In fact, had I been a better math student, I would have become a geologist rather than a writer. Believe me I tried. I eagerly attended geology 101 and 102 in hopes that my love of nature, the earth, maps and the world around me would somehow transform me into a mathematician. Sadly, it was not to be. Probably, and even sadder, my love for partying with friends on 6th Street in Austin, Texas conflicted with my desire to study as hard as math required. Plus, the other geologist would have probably laughed at my rhinestone-trimmed offshore rigger outfits. Anyway, I did become a writer and the following poem is my consolation prize.
TOPOGRAPHY
Walking the dark side of roads
I use no light
Or share what I have lost-
Mind records its landscape
Soul exaggerates relief between
The distances of falls
Mark the path- leaving scars
Which are a map
To route mistaken turns-
And guide my search of private ground
Until the key shines back at me
I was at a salsa dance class when after only ten seconds into the song my instructor stopped the music. The guys just weren’t getting it, and of course us girls REALLY need them to lead… The instructor yelled: “You have to stay on beat or there will be COWS” (Chaos in his lovely Puerto Rican dialect). Which of course was crazy funny to me because I grew up on a cattle ranch in Texas. I started laughing as I recalled the CHAOS of those COWS in my life growing up having to feed them, corral them and go get them when they decided to run free. The resulting poem is my refection on how similar the two situations actually are.
COWS
When I am fearless
COWS [chaos] become a salsa dance
And I am sure that the next steps I take
Will be in time.
Fortunate, promising, uncompromising
When I am fearless
Impatience is my fuel
and I am at home over my head.
You must prepare for the next step
or there will be COWS
and feet will be headed for pasture
that is out of bounds
from any fields I have known.
When I am fearless
COWS take their place
to lead me through the next steps
that will be in time
whatever is fortunate, promising, uncompromising.
As I’m sure that many of you can relate, I’ve had some awful managers over my career. It wasn’t until I became a manager that the definition of good vs bad leader became an acutely sensitive topic for me. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to suck at being a leader. And, it was at the point of questioning the difference that I realized I was still being influenced by my bad experiences with those hideously awful managers. I was experiencing a sort of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that made me run like hell from the next leadership role.
Even with the glaring “DO NOT DRAFT ME AS A LEADER” badge that I wear over my business suits, I continually find myself a habitual leader. Then, in my quest for clarity and self-realization, I found this quote and finally, finally, I get it. I understand why I actually am perfect for the role.
“Leadership is not so much about technique and methods as it is about opening the heart. Leadership is about inspiration— of oneself and of others. Great leadership is about human experiences, not processes. Leadership is not a formula or a program, it is a human activity that comes from the heart and considers the hearts of others. It is an attitude, not a routine.” -Lance Secreten
During the past Christmas holidays, I’d become as over zealous as ever with my decorating. I started with the living room thinking that it would make a sufficient statement. Moreover, there’s the memory of all the years that I got carried away with my quest to out do my last year of yuletide, and the pain of taking the art down.
While flying from the U.S. to Madrid last summer, I sat beside a guy from Israel who was returning home from the Burning Man Festival in Nevada. He explained that after a week of creating and exhibiting art installations, every piece of art was burned down. You could take pictures and videos, but you were not allowed to save any part of your creation.
The week-long event now attracts tens of thousands of participants to Nevada’s Black Rock Desert where they form a temporary experimental community known as Black Rock City. As it has expanded, Burning Man has been forced to adopt certain official rules and policies for safety reasons, but the essential tenets on which the event was founded (immediacy, participation, decommodification, civic and environmental responsibility, radical self-reliance and self-expression) remain the same. Art-making and performance are core components of the Burning Man festival. Each year participants at Burning Man create and perform works inspired by a given theme (recent themes have included: “Evolution,” “American Dream,” “The Green Man,” and “Hope and Fear: The Future”). Free from the confines of the traditional art world, the collaborative environment of the Burning Man has been fertile ground for outsider and visionary art. A permanent organization, The Black Rock Arts Foundation, now offers grants for artists, sponsors interactive art projects at Burning Man, and supports art that carries the values of Burning Man culture (e.g., impermanence, experimentation, and inclusiveness) into the broader community. The Burning Man effigy is an iconic reminder to keep the creative “fires” burning within long after the event has come to a close. Credit: wikifestivals.com
So, my Christmas decorations continued to grow throughout the house and extended outdoors. Each room had it’s own installation, one more over the top than the next. I actually commented that “it looks like a Christmas bomb went off in my house.” I did all of this knowing that the ultimate fate of my work, like the Burning Man, was it’s own destruction after a few weeks of enjoyment.
But the real enjoyment is in the creating. I’m challenging myself to achieve a goal that surpasses what I know I can do already. I’m motivated to prove something to myself and keep my own creative fires burning within.
For the first time in several years, I am feeling my own enthusiasm about the New Year from everyone in my circle. Maybe after years of treading water in a bad economy, everyone woke up on January 1, 2014, and said: “Enough!” Enough whining, enough pessimism, enough fearing that home values will tumble, another Bernie Madoff is already in “pod form” (i.e., Invasion of the Body Snatchers), waiting to take on the body of a Wall Street financier, or that the sky is falling. Just enough already!
I am very excited by this new optimism, and here’s hoping that it carries over past Valentine’s Day.
The following is reposted from tylerperry.com: “Don’t Stay Too Long” @ Wed, Jan 8, 2014. Perfect message!
I haven’t written in a while so this is a little long, but it’s so worth your time to read. I was in Wyoming recently and I was taking in the beauty of the place. I mean, I love it. As I was looking up at the mountains I saw an eagle flying above me. I had to stop and take in its majestic beauty. I had never seen a real life eagle. All I had heard about an eagle was in church when the pastor said that the eagle pushes its young out of the nest to teach it to fly. It really did move me watching this bird that had no doubt been pushed out of the nest and had learned to do what I was watching it do.
I got back to the cabin that evening and I started doing some research on eagles. I was so excited to read the story of how it learned to fly. Well, to my surprise, eagles pushing their young out of the nest is a myth. I was shocked. I know that I heard a preacher say that in church… now I ain’t gonna say that that pastor lied but I will say he didn’t do the research… LOL. So I did it on my own. I did find some interesting facts that got me thinking about life… mine and yours. It’s funny how God can speak through everything. Here’s what I found. Eagles build the biggest nest of all birds. It’s huge, comfortable and deep. One of the most interesting things that I found was the way that the eagle gets its young chicks to fly out of the nest. For many weeks it brings food to the nest. The little eagles have no worries, they have all they need to survive. But when the adult eagle deems that it’s time for the young eagles to fly, things get uncomfortable.
Now the young eagle doesn’t know that it’s time to fly, but the wisdom and the bird’s eye view of the mother knows that it’s time for the chicks to leave the nest. So you know what she does? She doesn’t bring food to the babies anymore, and this is what I found fascinating. Many times she will fly around the nest with the food in her beak so that the young eagles will be tempted or so hungry that they are forced to fly out of the nest and take it out of her beak. Stay with me I’m going somewhere here. As I thought about this, I thought about my life and how many times I was in a very comfortable space. I had all I needed. There was no need for me to go any further because I was comfortable. I wanted to stay there forever. You have to be careful when you get comfortable and stay too long. It’s easy to stop dreaming when your belly is full. You won’t feel the need to fly at all.
The truth is, as long as I was there in that really comfortable space, I wasn’t fulfilling my own destiny or my purpose. I wasn’t flying, I was content. Remember this, your greatest prayers are not usually answered in comfort. Think about it. I can really get deep into this with stories from my past but you’re probably tired of reading already… LOL… so I’ll try and wrap it up.
It took an uncomfortable situation or being hungry to make me get out and fly. Many times in life things are going well, but then everything that was so great changes and we wonder why. We wonder what happened. We are caught off guard. I am of the opinion that in those times God, who knows when it’s time for us to leave the nest, is allowing it to become uncomfortable so that we can move on to our next mission in life. Our next hope, our next dream, our next level.
After not realizing this for many years and resisting changes and going through hell, I’m glad to say that I have become so sensitive to when it’s time to move that I will move without having to have the turmoil. I’m telling you I was so stubborn that the house had to burn down for me to move. Now I know better. I’m aware of when it starts to happen, like things happen that don’t make any sense. People you have been friends with or in business with or otherwise for years just seem to go crazy and you don’t know why. What I’ve learned in those moments is that it is a time to fly. Business changes, jobs go away, friends break your heart, marriages end, relationships end, and most times all these things are signs that it’s time to take flight to your next level.
Nobody likes change, I get it, but don’t be angry or bitter when things change. Don’t be mad with people, especially when you know you did right by them and you did all you could do for the friendship or relationship. I’m sorry to tell you this my friend, but this moment was not about them it was all about you. I’m telling you if God has allowed you to become so uncomfortable in your situation, whatever it is, then its time for you to move! Don’t be afraid, just fly!
Last thing and then I’m done ;-). there is one part of the eagle story that I haven’t told you yet, and this is my favorite part. If those baby eagles get out of the nest and they are trying to fly and it’s not going well, then that same mother bird that provided for them while they were in the nest, that same eagle will fly under the baby eagle to keep it from falling, to keep it on course, and give it a sense of security. God’s got you, don’t be afraid! He won’t let you fall! Now here’s the question: what situation in your life has become so uncomfortable that you feel like you’re being starved for what you need? Maybe its God’s way of telling you it’s time to fly! It’s time to fly for your own dreams and your own hopes and goals. Fly for true love and real hope. This is your moment to fly, in 2014. Make this the year that you leave the nest without fear.
HOW MUCH FAT TALK IS GOING ON IN YOUR NETWORK?
Most people fat talk without even realizing they’re doing it. As 2013 ends and the New Year begins, I pledge to limit the “Fat Talk.”
It was about three years ago when I finally recognized that our weight obsessed culture was stressing me out! I love chocolate and I am pretty sure that I need it for survival. I recognized that food and/or chocolate deprivation was servng no positive purpose in my life and possibly contributing to a nasty ass disposition.
My new approach is to love the fun and pleasure that comes with eating my favorite foods, and only giving those treats the power they deserve, rather than allowing them to have me yo-yo dieting throughout the year. Ultimately, the food has become more like extras in my life rather that the star attractions. I do like to incorporate some exercise and other healthy habits, but only because I look foward to activity, not because I fear some repercussion for inactivity.
I’m running this… No more Fat Talk or Fat Doctors, please!
I am reflecting on the occasions when I have been told to “tone it down” or edit the flash. Why? What is wrong with my big color and glamour? I think that the most important feature in anyone is authenticity. So, why should I dim my candle to make others comfortable with me? If God wanted me to be meek and unimposing, I figure He would have rethought the six foot tall height and instinctive desire to make everything around me bold and beautiful. The holidays give me a great opportunity to decorate my world from hearth to heart! Love, love, love the parties and chances to shower the people I love with gifts and gratitude. I am so very fortunate to belong to the amazing family and friends of mine. As for my gift from them… I am cool with the unconditional love that I receive throughout the year just for being me!
STEPPING OUT LIKE A DIVA… A good lipstick is like a good friend. It’s there when you need it, it’s always good for a confidence boost, and when you find a great one, you want to keep expanding your circle. Which is why you’re going to love this roundup of the newest lipsticks that are hitting shelves now. With formulas and colors this sumptuous and luxurious, you’re going to need a bigger makeup bag for the holidays and all year.
Egos & Buffaloes 