How am I not dead yet? That’s a completely reasonable question for any humanoid considering the crapshoot that is life. You could be peacefully sleeping at home when a mountain crashes through your bedroom. You could go on a trip where your plane disappears, your bus gets hit by a truck or your ferry capsizes.

What I’m saying is, a lot of shit can happen and it’s a damn miracle that any of us are still breathing, especially people in their 90s and above. Imagine the sheer luck it would take to have your crappy human body survive for a hundred years or more with you still in it.

Misao Okawa, world’s oldest person, 116 years, bitches. (Getty Images)

High five, Misao! She said her secret to longevity is eating and sleeping a lot. “Eat and sleep and you will live a long time. You have to…